By Nathan Hutson, Ayden’s Daddy
How does one express the worst thing that’s ever happened? How do I put to paper what has transpired, the emotions that will forever evade my ability to articulate? I will do my best, but know that the depths of feeling I have for the last nine months of my life is something that I will never be able to fully transcribe into words of any kind or language.
This is the first time and the last time I will write in this blog, not because I don’t find it important, this blog and the message that my wife and my dear Ayden have spread with this blog has come to mean something far greater than any of us. The message of love and joy, sadness and grief, courage and hope, are ones that I dearly hope will find their way into the hearts of all that need that message. I haven’t written in this blog because I’m tired, and I feel old. My life hasn’t been easy, from birth I’ve faced a share of trouble and pain, doubtless less then some, but also doubtless more than most, and when I heard the news about my beloved daughter, it broke me.
I surprise myself with those words, but they are true. I am pugnacious by nature, and those that know me and know my history know that I don’t give up. 28 years of pain, and I never broke. I may have been bent double at times, and barely able to move forward, but by the grace of God and the stubborn nature he bestowed on me I was never broken.
As I sat in the doctor’s office, with a new found and growing love in my heart for a beautiful little girl, and as I heard the fateful words that haunt my dreams, I broke. Something inside me snapped, and all I can remember is screaming in my mind. I just wanted to scream, to rage, to break the world apart with in my anger and heartbreak! I wanted to quit, why me, why now? Has God not punished me enough? Is it not enough for life to beat me down, but now for pain to be visited upon those I hold most dearly? There was a space of time while I wailed and screamed in my mind, I can’t tell you how long, but I saw my wife’s face, saw her pain, and I made a decision. That decision took time, how much I don’t know, seconds? More or less, and it brings shame to my heart even now knowing I did not get off my ass sooner to wrap my wife in my arms, but a decision had to be made. I may be broken, but I would literally go to hell before that stopped me from being there for my wife and daughter. They were my life. I scraped the bottom of my soul for the dregs of courage and strength that remained, and I made the decision to do everything in my power to love them, care for them, laugh and love with them, cry and smile with them. And even heal for them.
So you see, I had little left to give to others. After picking up the pieces of my heart, I gave to my wife and daughter, to a few family and friends, and that’s all I had. But as the months continued, and we created memories sweet and bitter, a miracle happened. Joy, real joy entered into my life, my little girl has taught me so much these last nine months, and much of it was about joy, and having the heart of an innocent child. And about not letting your life pass you by. She taught me to live in the moment, without fear, to not let words of love go unsaid, to not give with reserve, and to not be afraid of change, of our future, and the many mysteries it holds. I knew these lessons, but they did not hold the same meaning, the same weight until my Little Fire stole my heart.
The road ahead is unknown to me. And like everyone I do not know what the future holds for me, what love and joy, pain and sadness, laughter, kindness is in store for me, but I do know this. I am healing, my wife is healing. And I will not let my Ayden, my Little Fire’s lessons be wasted. I will live my life to its fullest, I will love and laugh, cry and smile as much as I can. I will live everyday in an effort to be worthy of the amazingly beautiful and graceful women that God has blessed me with. And though I may be broken, I am not done.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.